KNOWLEDGE RAINS $UPREME: ROD BLAGOJEVICH
Every now and then, out of these uncertain economic times, an individual player emerges whose rain-making game is so water-tight he deserves special commendations. That’s why we’ve created a special honor for money-makers and money-takers who best exemplificate the idea that Knowledge Rains $upreme.
And who better to light this feature up than my man, Illinois $enator Rod “White Rain” Blagojevich. Blaggo, you are so krazy for kash you left us with no choice but to spell both words with a krazy “k”!
Rod is the Henry Hill of public service. “You want this $enate seat that’s still warm from Obama’s essential oils? Fuck you, pay me.” “Want your private interest attended to by the Illinois state government? Fuck you, pay me.” “Want me to keep your elementary school funded? Fuck you, pay me!” “Do I have a minute to spare for the Jimmy Fund? Fuck Jimmy, PAY ME.”
Plus, Rod Blogosphere gets a progressive bonus for the following trifecta:
- Has a favorite hairbrush (brand: Paul Mitchell) - BONUS.
- Has a nickname for his favorite hairbrush (“The Football”) - DOUBLE-BONUS.
- His hairbrush’s nickname is an allusion to the Nuclear Football, one of those James Bond-style briefcases that has all the codes to authorize the use of nuclear weapons, and must always be within arm’s reach of POTUS - MULTI-BRASS-BALLS BONUS.
I know there are some haters out there trying to stop the powerful flood of green caused by Rod’s Level 10 rain-making skills. (And by “stop” I, of course, mean “incarcerate.”) But we here at MAKE-IT-RAIN.TUMBLR.COM are not here to measure the man by the size of his crimes; rather, we are here to measure him solely by his barometric pressure. And for real, Blaggo must be using some powerful anti-frizz control because wherever that dude goes there is 100% humidity.