MAKE IT RAIN!

During these trying financial times, it is important to salute the hard-working fundamentals of our economy who, against all odds, toil tirelessly in pursuit of the American Dream.

Dec 17

KNOWLEDGE RAINS $UPREME: ROD BLAGOJEVICH

monopoly cigarette boat

Every now and then, out of these uncertain economic times, an individual player emerges whose rain-making game is so water-tight he deserves special commendations. That’s why we’ve created a special honor for money-makers and money-takers who best exemplificate the idea that Knowledge Rains $upreme.

And who better to light this feature up than my man, Illinois $enator  Rod “White Rain” Blagojevich. Blaggo, you are so krazy for kash you left us with no choice but to spell both words with a krazy “k”!

Rod is the Henry Hill of public service. “You want this $enate seat that’s still warm from Obama’s essential oils? Fuck you, pay me.” “Want your private interest attended to by the Illinois state government? Fuck you, pay me.” “Want me to keep your elementary school funded? Fuck you, pay me!” “Do I have a minute to spare for the Jimmy Fund? Fuck Jimmy, PAY ME.”

Plus, Rod Blogosphere gets a progressive bonus for the following trifecta:

  • Has a favorite hairbrush (brand: Paul Mitchell) - BONUS.
  • Has a nickname for his favorite hairbrush (“The Football”) - DOUBLE-BONUS.
  • His hairbrush’s nickname is an allusion to the Nuclear Football, one of those James Bond-style briefcases that has all the codes to authorize the use of nuclear weapons, and must always be within arm’s reach of POTUS - MULTI-BRASS-BALLS BONUS.

I know there are some haters out there trying to stop the powerful flood of green caused by Rod’s Level 10 rain-making skills. (And by “stop” I, of course, mean “incarcerate.”) But we here at MAKE-IT-RAIN.TUMBLR.COM are not here to measure the man by the size of his crimes; rather, we are here to measure him solely by his barometric pressure. And for real, Blaggo must be using some powerful anti-frizz control because wherever that dude goes there is 100% humidity.

Posted at 5:33pm

Dec 8
Cindy Adams wins $10,000 bet from Harvey Weinstein, donates cash to “voiceless” animals. This is what we in the cash money business refer to as RAIN IT FORWARD. Maybe some of you haters might consider calling out the always-classy Miss Adams for winning money on the misery of actors, singers, carpenters, lighting technicians, and dozens of other crew members who suddenly find themselves unemployed this holiday season, in the middle of a horrible recession. Or maybe you’re thinking “that ain’t right” that she devoted her newspaper column to discussing her schadenfreude wager.  But you gotta give player some credit. That ten grand is going to buy a LOT of diamond-encrusted barrettes for Yorkshire Terriers. With all that hair out of their eyes, those Yorkies can finally see how rich they are. And now, thanks to Miss Adams’ well-considered cash donation, homeless poodles have a voice — a voice that allows them to proudly declare, “SUCK IT, YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN!” Harvey, Cindy — congratulations to two of New York City’s most beloved altruists. You MADE IT RAIN LIKE A BICHON FRISE ON A GOLD-PLATED FIRE HYDRANT!

Cindy Adams wins $10,000 bet from Harvey Weinstein, donates cash to “voiceless” animals. This is what we in the cash money business refer to as RAIN IT FORWARD. Maybe some of you haters might consider calling out the always-classy Miss Adams for winning money on the misery of actors, singers, carpenters, lighting technicians, and dozens of other crew members who suddenly find themselves unemployed this holiday season, in the middle of a horrible recession. Or maybe you’re thinking “that ain’t right” that she devoted her newspaper column to discussing her schadenfreude wager. 

But you gotta give player some credit. That ten grand is going to buy a LOT of diamond-encrusted barrettes for Yorkshire Terriers. With all that hair out of their eyes, those Yorkies can finally see how rich they are. And now, thanks to Miss Adams’ well-considered cash donation, homeless poodles have a voice — a voice that allows them to proudly declare, “SUCK IT, YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN!”

Harvey, Cindy — congratulations to two of New York City’s most beloved altruists. You MADE IT RAIN LIKE A BICHON FRISE ON A GOLD-PLATED FIRE HYDRANT!
Posted at 12:21pm

Dec 3
A MAKE-IT-RAIN FOLLOW-UP STORY: Family of Jdimytai Damour is suing Wal-Mart over their son’s trampling death on Black Friday. Don’t knock the hustle, Wal-Mart. Think you’re the only one making cheese on Black Friday, with all those crowd-generating deep discounts? (By the way, no disrespect to Wal-Mart because I know you’re just doing your thing, but I gotta say it was a trifle poor taste for you to advertise your Black Friday sales as “Damour-busting deals.”) I say FedEx the family a couple of your cheap-ass umbrellas made in China, and make it rain like pee-pee in your Coke. You can afford it, player, and besides — they’ll probably kick half that cash back into Wal-Mart over their lifetime because you know after suffering a tragic death of a loved one, there’s no way the Damours are going to shop at a store called Target. Therefore, I declare this lawsuit partly greedy with a chance of RAIN.

A MAKE-IT-RAIN FOLLOW-UP STORY: Family of Jdimytai Damour is suing Wal-Mart over their son’s trampling death on Black Friday. Don’t knock the hustle, Wal-Mart. Think you’re the only one making cheese on Black Friday, with all those crowd-generating deep discounts? (By the way, no disrespect to Wal-Mart because I know you’re just doing your thing, but I gotta say it was a trifle poor taste for you to advertise your Black Friday sales as “Damour-busting deals.”)

I say FedEx the family a couple of your cheap-ass umbrellas made in China, and make it rain like pee-pee in your Coke. You can afford it, player, and besides — they’ll probably kick half that cash back into Wal-Mart over their lifetime because you know after suffering a tragic death of a loved one, there’s no way the Damours are going to shop at a store called Target. Therefore, I declare this lawsuit partly greedy with a chance of RAIN.
Posted at 4:01pm

Dec 1
Hit Annie Lenox on her pager because HERE COMES THE RAIN AGAIN, BABY! Wal-Mart employee trampled to death during Black Friday sale. Whoever said our economy is in a recession — that’s right, I’m talking to you, every major news media channel — obviously wasn’t at Wal-Mart last Friday. Folks came out to that sale wearing their galoshes, kid — and then used them to stomp people for a chance to scoop up one of those sweet $14 TV-VCR-Frydaddy combos. A Wal-Mart representative had this to say about the unfortunate incident: “We at Wal-Mart have a saying. If you’re going to make it rain, someone’s bound to get wet.” He then immediately contacted an attorney to sue this website for printing libelous statements.

Hit Annie Lenox on her pager because HERE COMES THE RAIN AGAIN, BABY!

Wal-Mart employee trampled to death during Black Friday sale. Whoever said our economy is in a recession — that’s right, I’m talking to you, every major news media channel — obviously wasn’t at Wal-Mart last Friday. Folks came out to that sale wearing their galoshes, kid — and then used them to stomp people for a chance to scoop up one of those sweet $14 TV-VCR-Frydaddy combos.

A Wal-Mart representative had this to say about the unfortunate incident: “We at Wal-Mart have a saying. If you’re going to make it rain, someone’s bound to get wet.” He then immediately contacted an attorney to sue this website for printing libelous statements.
Posted at 2:46pm

Nov 26
AIG got its $40 billion payday today. Big ups, everyone. I hope your CEOs have RAIN INSURANCE because yall just got SOAKED by Hurricane Benjamin.

AIG got its $40 billion payday today. Big ups, everyone. I hope your CEOs have RAIN INSURANCE because yall just got SOAKED by Hurricane Benjamin.
Posted at 11:44am

Nov 25
$800 billion to help unfreeze America’s market for consumer debt? On top of the $700 billion bail-out plan? HENRY “THE-M-STANDS-FOR-MAKIN’” PAULSON, YOU BETTER ASK TOM CRUISE TO TAKE YOUR CRAZY ASS HOME TO WATCH JUDGE WAPNER BECAUSE YOU ARE THE MOTHERFU**IN RAIN MAN.

$800 billion to help unfreeze America’s market for consumer debt? On top of the $700 billion bail-out plan?

HENRY “THE-M-STANDS-FOR-MAKIN’” PAULSON, YOU BETTER ASK TOM CRUISE TO TAKE YOUR CRAZY ASS HOME TO WATCH JUDGE WAPNER BECAUSE YOU ARE THE MOTHERFU**IN RAIN MAN.
Posted at 3:08pm

Nov 24
$20 billion bail-out for Citigroup? MAKE IT RAIN LIKE AN ATM WITH BULIMIA!

$20 billion bail-out for Citigroup? MAKE IT RAIN LIKE AN ATM WITH BULIMIA!
Posted at 12:52pm

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